Eliece

I’ve known Brian almost his whole life. I remember his bowl cuts sledding down hills with me when we were both children. My most cherished memories happened when we were adults. Brian felt so seen and understood by me that when he stumbled upon something that taught him to transform his life, he wanted to share it with me.

He called me and asked me to attend a workshop with him, free of charge, and I saw that he had completely altered his trajectory in his life with the tools from this workshop, so when he invited me I asked him if I would get even an ounce of what he got? He said if I go all in and have the guts to do the work and am coachable, I will get whatever I want. So I took two buses and a train to get to Brian’s workshop after work.

I dressed up, I sat as close to the front as I could get, and when the guy leading this workshop asked for a volunteer, my hand shot up! I’m not shy but…. That was still brave for me or anyone.

So I get up to the stage, and this guy says, “What do you want more than anything in the whole world?” and I didn’t have to do this part of the exercise to know my answer… I had been thinking about what I wanted, really wanted, for 10 days since Brian invited me. It was March 2011, and I stood up on this stage in front of hundreds of people, and I closed my eyes, and I let go, and I pictured in great detail what my life would be like if I was my own main character, if I was the protagonist in my story. What if my life was for just me, and I knew how to love myself fully and unconditionally? The presenter said, “Okay, open your eyes and tell us what you really want.” So I opened my eyes, took in all the people around me, took a deep breath and said, “I want to love myself more.” And that, on its own:  speaking my truth in front of all these people, is the most vulnerable I had ever been up to that point.

I was tired but the exercise wasn’t complete.

I couldn’t hear him the first time he asked the next question. He had to repeat himself. He said, “What’s stopping you? What reason do you have for not loving yourself more? What is in the way?” And I realized, in my life and in my family, nobody had ever said I was worth the trouble. Nobody in my life loved themselves enough to lift somebody else up or champion their cause. My initial thought was… Because nobody taught me how. I would’ve done it 1,000 times over already. I would already shine if someone had held space for me to shine.

And it hit me. I am so angry inside.

So I said, “I’m too angry inside.”

And the presenter sat with that for a beat, because tears were streaming down my face. I didn’t know I was crying in a room full of people. But, he got me a tissue, told me, “Everybody leaks,” and said, “Can you say all of that together?”

For a young woman who feels ignored by the world, this kind of space – pausing and reflecting, offering support, talking about Me in this seemingly selfish, open way, was completely foreign and I was hooked.

I wanted way, way more of that!

So I said, slowly and deliberately, crying and shaking, “I Want To Love Myself More But I Am Really Angry Inside.”

And he goes, “PERFECT!”

And I looked around and realized everyone in the room was silent. That phrase, “You could hear a pin drop,” applies here. So he says, “Hah! I think you struck a nerve!”

And then he explained that words have power. “No shit,” I’m thinking, “words trap me!” And he asked me to change the word ‘but’ to ‘and’ in my new sentence.

So I straightened up, put myself All In again, and I thought about what I was about to say, and I started weeping…

“I Want To Love Myself More AND I’m Really Angry Inside.”

He asked, “What is all of this?” and gestured to my face.

I smiled and felt so much lighter.

I can be angry, really very angry, and Love Myself Unconditionally. Those two things can coexist in my life.

The entire room gave me a standing ovation. I think they really got it with me.

And that was the day my friend Brian taught me to draw a line of demarcation in my life. I was going to be the Hero in my story from now on.

Years later, after my son was born and so many things had happened, after I had begun the process of loving myself and fully enjoying my life…

Brian called me to say he was tired. I asked if there was anything I could do? He told me about all of our mutual ‘friends’ and ‘family’ members that he felt he was constantly defending me to.

He said I came up all the time and it was always profoundly negative. Really terrible stuff.

This is very surprising to me, even now. I barely remembered many of the people he was discussing!? How did they even know anything about me or my life? Is that possible?

So Brian asked me how I was surviving with no friends and no family – out on my own?

Hahaha, I wasn’t. I was so happy that particular day when he called me, in fact, I was surprised at the absurdity of his view of Me – informed by a whole host of folks who didn’t know me. I thought about it, and I love Brian. I never want him to suffer. Ever. He’s too good for that.

I told him that I thought he needed to just let it go. “Stop defending me to these people, it doesn’t matter. I’m so delighted by the results of my choices now…  I don’t care what anybody else thinks.” And then it dawned on me… “I love myself too much to care how much anybody else loves me. They are off the hook.”

And really:  What is more selfish?

Telling someone you barely know that they have to be a certain way to please you or make you more comfortable

OR

Choosing yourself above all else and finding your own worth so that nobody else needs to.

That’s what Brian did:  he stood for me being loved unconditionally. He really stood for that Healing, Unconditional Love, in our world. He was the Shiniest, Brightest, Most Lovable Man you will ever meet – if you had the eyes to see it.

I love you, Brian. You’re a wonderful soul.

Rest in Peace.

I live to read. Today I’m reading Lab Girl by Hope Jahren. Yesterday it was Solitude by Stephanie Rosenbloom.

I stopped picking my own books last year. There is a team of brilliant librarians or I suspect one ambitious one who decorates my contact free pick up bags during the pandemic.. I schedule a pickup with holds and a surprise bag and sometimes I have to reschedule because life. They mostly pick female authors. They mostly focus on my favorite themes: activism, feminism, anti racism, how to be more authentic and less wrong. Also, the occasional fun escape.

Shout out to the Des Moines Library in Des Moines WA! We oughtta grab coffee sometime.

I’m so loving how much this person knows me based on my checkout history.

• 

The reason I am a compulsive reader and writer is my Mom.

My earliest memory of my Mom is me laying my baby doll on the second to the bottom shelf of an empty bookcase with a little white page previously used to separate cheese as a pillow. And then I would lay similarly on the bottom shelf with an actual pillow that my Mom had sewn for me and read library books. And my Mom would let me do that all day if I wanted. I also climbed that bookcase and tried to read Roots by Alex Haley and did other shenanigans. Probably book time was five minutes peace for my Mom. She was and is incredibly patient.

I love to write down my favorite passages and quotes found in the things I read and I have saved a giant box of journals and notebooks and sketchbooks and diaries. A friend of mine gifted me a little Zentangle ink blot book and I found this magical moment to sketch around a quote from Rosenbloom’s travel stories.

Here it is:

• 

“… this taking each day like a lifetime. This being-with-everything…” – Rilke

But the best thing ever was the dedication in today’s book:

Dr. Hope Jahren, I feel that. Same. Everything I write is dedicated to my mother who has had the patience to witness all of it and be there for everything. I love you, Mom!

How much do I have to describe about my private medical history and experiences to receive some empathy from another human being? That oughtta be rhetorical but it isn’t. I’ve made an imperfect science out of studying the people in my life and how roughly they trod on my toes to evaluate whether I am a fraud or an upstanding citizen.. by their judgment.

What all of this tells me isn’t that I’m surrounded by bad people. It tells me my year has been that awful. It is unbelievable. And on top of that, I don’t really want to tell it. It comes out in bits and pieces or if you were unlucky enough to be there.. you heard all about it at the time it happened. I’ve learned to avoid internalizing this trauma. So I do talk about it when it happens. And I go to therapy. And I take time to heal. And I do a lot of self care.

But beyond that, I just forgive the past and set my intentions for a better future. And not all of this year was bad.

I’m famous for finding silver linings.

Here is a not at all chronological list of my silver linings:

I didn’t die

My son still loves me

I have wonderful friends

I have a healthier, more dynamic relationship with my partner

I love you, Kevin!

I have upgraded my self care toolkit significantly

I have strengthened my relationships with my family

I love you, siblings and cousins and uncles and aunties and especially.. I love you Grandma!

My relationship with my Mom was already a shining beacon in my life but this year my Mom’s love and care and connectedness with me has transformed me and the people around us…
she’s an earth angel 😇 💗

I love you, Mom!

I’m not phased by much

I’m much better at just.. feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I’ve had so many wonderful opportunities to practice this.

I’m not afraid of old white men or other people’s dumb expectations or being nice anymore. Incidentally, if you’re reading this and one of your current hobbies is interupting women you don’t know to talk or ask to play with their children or really anything but show some respect and get out of their way… find a new hobby.

I learned that feeling lonely is an emotion and it doesn’t last long and it doesn’t need any tending to.

I’m beautiful.

I’m so, so, so incredibly worthy.

So is everyone else.

So at least I grew a whole bunch and I am committed to continuously growing and learning and being a force for healing of myself and the world around me.

If you’re reading this, my prayer is this message finds you safe and well. You’ll embrace your own light and let it shine. And stretch goal: share in that fun with me! Let’s do it together. ❤😊

I’m working on upgrading my bullet journal!

My inspirations are: Zentangle, Angie Bellemare, Meg Steele Creates, Corinne Soltis, and Silk & Sonder. I am so loving my rich inspirational tapestry and how it has helped me level up my abilities. Not only are my journals more aesthetically pleasing after years of practice, they’re more heartfelt, logistical, and reflective of my day to day existence.

Come celebrate with us!

On Saturday, June 5th we are attending the Seattle Majestics women’s football team at the first home game allowing spectators.

Seats are $10 and you buy two at a time for $20 on Eventbrite.

When you buy gear, the players will stop to sign your stuff and take selfies. These athletes are very talented and humble and we so appreciate the way they represent our city.

The game is at French Field in Kent and there are still seats available! Come cheer on our favorite players together and join us at our tailgate before the game!

https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/seattle-majestics-vs-san-diego-rebellion-tickets-156037248611

I’m moving into my new place today! I’ve been looking at Pinterest for inspiration.. I want a Beach Cottage/French Country/Coastal Farmhouse vibe. Soft blues and aquas, some buttery yellow and cream accents. Soothing retreat vibes! 🏄‍♂️ 🏄‍♀️ 🌊💙

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

I’m not going to bore you with all the details.

I’ve got a new car, and a new perspective on life and I am looking good and feeling beautiful. It is so nice to have my life back!!!

• 

• 

• 

• 

•